It occurs to me that I should say a word about who this blog is for. Who's my audience? What's the point?
Well, mostly it's for me. It's a vent. But not a pity party. I don't feel sorry for myself. I don't want to be pathetic. It's for me to figure out a strategy for becoming a mom. Infertility is like a nemesis for me right now. An arch villain, and I don't intend to be a victim.
But it's also for my friends and family. Because the truth is, I don't know how to talk to you about it. I don't know how to explain it when I see you face to face. I end up saying nothing. Or worse I just say "we're working on it" when you ask when Michael and I are going to "start trying for a baby."
The truth is I wish I'd never told anyone that we were trying in the first place. I wish I'd told you all we don't want kids. Then you wouldn't feel sorry for me. I don't want to pity myself and I don't want you to pity me. But I do want you to understand. I do want you on our side. We are up against a formidable opponent and we want you all on our side. We want you to help us fight for this. We want you to join the cause the way you would if you found out one of us had cancer.
I know infertility isn't life-threatening the way cancer is. But it is devastating. It can be soul crushing. And just because infertility can't kill me, doesn't mean that it's not worth fighting against with all my might. Because for me a life does hang in the balance. Sorry if that sounds melodramatic. But it's how I feel. It's real for me. So profoundly real that I can't explain it. Only other infertile couples can really get it.
And that's why this blog is for them too. No so much to help them cope. Because there are a lot of really amazing bloggers and sites out there that will help you cope with this. But more to be the translator for their struggles to the rest of the world. I want to help them have a voice for their friends, families, co-workers and even the total strangers who just don't realize what they are going through so silently.
I don't really want people to get all politically correct about what to say and what not say. But I want them to understand why we are the way we are. What our world is like. And why we are doing all the insane things we are doing and spending the ridiculous amounts of money we spend. I want those "outside" of infertility to come inside and bear with us a little, the same way you bear with those who get pregnant easily. Support. Understand. Encourage. Laugh. Comfort. Inspire. We need it too. Even if we don't have a cute "bump" to point to.
And I want you experience what it's like to make a baby "the hard way". Because it really is too expensive and there are so MANY hoops to jump through. I'm not trying to start a health care revolution. I know insurance companies will never cover infertility at any reasonable cost. But maybe there is way to work with doctors and clinics to bring down the cost. Or maybe not. Maybe there is a way for infertile couples and the people who love them to take on the villain mano-a-mano and defeat him.
I don't know. But I am here to fight. I'm here to win. My family is at stake.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Just Relax
When you're "Trying To Conceive", or TTC as those in the in crowd call it, people will tell you all sorts of stories about a couple who went to the same church as their cousin's brother's mother's orthodontist who was TTC too. These people decided to take a tropical vacation somewhere and came back totally knocked up.
Or they will tell you how their babysitter's uncle's mechanic's sister started meditating for an hour and 45 minutes everyday and got pregnant the next month. Or worse they will quote THEY. "Well THEY say if you just relax you will get pregnant."
Because the person saying this is usually a friend or family member I am generally able to restrain myself from punching them in the face. But the impulse is there. If you have said these well meaning words to a TTC couple I can assure you your ass has been mentally kicked by them.
You see there are several very good reasons why saying these things will just piss me off.
Just don't tell me to relax, I might implode... or punch you in the face.
Or they will tell you how their babysitter's uncle's mechanic's sister started meditating for an hour and 45 minutes everyday and got pregnant the next month. Or worse they will quote THEY. "Well THEY say if you just relax you will get pregnant."
Because the person saying this is usually a friend or family member I am generally able to restrain myself from punching them in the face. But the impulse is there. If you have said these well meaning words to a TTC couple I can assure you your ass has been mentally kicked by them.
You see there are several very good reasons why saying these things will just piss me off.
- It's anecdotal if not completely made up. I sometimes think there is actually only one couple that conceived on a vacation and everybody is referring to them through their own 6 degrees of separation. I've never met these people. How do I even know they were infertile in the first place? And if they did get pregnant, well then goody for them.
- It's completely useless to me. I don't have time for a vacation. I get 5 vacation days a year. That's it. I work too much to meditate. Stress is an integral part of my life. It's not going anywhere. By suggesting this you've doomed me to failure. The very act of "trying to relax" becomes a stressor.
- I actually tried it already. You see, we did the vacation thing back when I actually got vacation days. We came back with tans and $2k in credit card bills... but no souvenir with a heartbeat. I've even done the meditation thing (when I could squeeze it in)...still got the relaxation recording on my ipod in fact. I do yoga. Heck, I've even tried the get drunk and have unprotected sex thing that seems to work for so many teens. Nope. Nada. No matter how relaxed we've been... no little baboo. So when you say that I just feel even more like failure. Thank you.
- It's not scientifically supported. There are actually studies suggesting that vacation sex, meditation and all that good stuff do absolutely nothing to improve your chances of getting pregnant.
- I know you really don't want to talk about it anymore. When people can't do anything to help you they generally want to change the subject. Suggesting we go on vacation is how you make a last ditch effort to help and then segue into another subject.
Just don't tell me to relax, I might implode... or punch you in the face.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Uh...Who the heck is Rachel?
When you are trying to have a baby and it's not happening, you want answers. If you are a spiritual person (and even if you aren't) you will eventually get around to asking God, "Yo, God! What up!? What's takin' so long?" (Okay, maybe you throw in some of the more formal "thee's and thou's". But the Lord and I are BFF's so we hang like that.)
Since my BFF is notoriously tight lipped in the absence of flaming foliage, I did what most people dealing with infertility do. I scanned the Bible for every verse on infertility, pregnancy and miraculous birth I could find in search of a clue.
The one of the first ones I found was in the book of Genesis. Chapter 30, verses 22 and 23. To give you a quick Sunday School refresher. Rachel and Leah were the two wives of Jacob. God blessed Leah with many sons but for a long time Rachel could not conceive. She was so desperate to have a child that she even offered her maid Bilhah as a surrogate. But adopting Bilhah's children as her own didn't really fill the need. She was still a woman without a child. But then something happened.
When I first read that verse, something shook loose inside me. I realized something that I had been feeling but couldn't put my finger on it. It's something I think all couples... but especially the women feel when they try to get pregnant but can't.
You feel forgotten.
But the thing is you don't feel forgotten by your parents who remind you how nice it would be to have a grandchild. You don't feel forgotten by family members who want to know when you two are going to have kids. You don't feel forgotten by your friends who invite you to all the baby showers and first birthday parties. You certainly don't feel forgotten by your gynecologist who reminds you (as mine did when we first started trying) "don't wait too long." And your spouse hasn't forgotten (how could he with you yelling at him to remember to pick up another box of Ovulation predictor pee sticks on his way home?)
No. You feel forgotten by GOD.
The Creator of Life has forgotten that you wanted in on the Miracle Factory. It's like He got so busy He overlooked you when He was sprinkling the Baby Dust on all your friends. You keep thinking He's going to come back your way but He never does. You watch your friends kids learn to walk and talk. Next thing you know they are enrolled in kindergarten. Heck, some of my cousin's have kids in Junior High!
And I feel... Forgotten. By. God.
So I read that verse as a promise in a way. That somehow... some way... eventually God will remember me.
Since my BFF is notoriously tight lipped in the absence of flaming foliage, I did what most people dealing with infertility do. I scanned the Bible for every verse on infertility, pregnancy and miraculous birth I could find in search of a clue.
The one of the first ones I found was in the book of Genesis. Chapter 30, verses 22 and 23. To give you a quick Sunday School refresher. Rachel and Leah were the two wives of Jacob. God blessed Leah with many sons but for a long time Rachel could not conceive. She was so desperate to have a child that she even offered her maid Bilhah as a surrogate. But adopting Bilhah's children as her own didn't really fill the need. She was still a woman without a child. But then something happened.
Then God remembered Rachel; he listened to her opened her womb.
She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace."
She became pregnant and gave birth to a son and said, "God has taken away my disgrace."
When I first read that verse, something shook loose inside me. I realized something that I had been feeling but couldn't put my finger on it. It's something I think all couples... but especially the women feel when they try to get pregnant but can't.
You feel forgotten.
But the thing is you don't feel forgotten by your parents who remind you how nice it would be to have a grandchild. You don't feel forgotten by family members who want to know when you two are going to have kids. You don't feel forgotten by your friends who invite you to all the baby showers and first birthday parties. You certainly don't feel forgotten by your gynecologist who reminds you (as mine did when we first started trying) "don't wait too long." And your spouse hasn't forgotten (how could he with you yelling at him to remember to pick up another box of Ovulation predictor pee sticks on his way home?)
No. You feel forgotten by GOD.
The Creator of Life has forgotten that you wanted in on the Miracle Factory. It's like He got so busy He overlooked you when He was sprinkling the Baby Dust on all your friends. You keep thinking He's going to come back your way but He never does. You watch your friends kids learn to walk and talk. Next thing you know they are enrolled in kindergarten. Heck, some of my cousin's have kids in Junior High!
And I feel... Forgotten. By. God.
So I read that verse as a promise in a way. That somehow... some way... eventually God will remember me.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
eBaby...
It occurs to me that if we pull off this crazy fund-raising idea and actually end up pregnant, this could be the world's first eBaby.
I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
Still, I'm all in now. First auction is up and I already got my first bidder question.
Q: Have you thought about adoption? Lots of kids out there that need a family.
Totally valid question. Totally expected. Totally a punch in the gut.
When people suggest that you just quit and adopt it makes you feel both totally misunderstood and like you're the world's biggest jerk for ignoring all those needy sad-faced orphans.
But I ask you this... the last time you heard a newly wed couple in their 20's or early 30's say that they were going to "start trying for a baby" did you suggest that they forget it and just go straight for adoption because there are lots of orphans to be had? Of course you didn't. You probably said, "that's great! Congratulations, I look forward to hearing the news." Or something like that.
But couples dealing with infertility don't get that for the most part. They get the brush off all the time on this most natural of desires. It's like we're expected to quit at the first biological hurdle.
Truth is I've ALWAYS wanted to adopt. Even before I met my husband. I still do. We both want that. Whether we are successful at getting pregnant or not we will still pursue adoption at some point. Because, yes there are lots of kids in need of a family. But the heart is a strange thing. It doesn't quit until it's tried everything. Everything in its power to obtain its dream. I don't want to suggest that adoption is a consolation prize or that I couldn't love an adopted child as much as a biological one. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I think it's that... I want the miracle. I want the life to grow inside me. I want the oneness. I want to be pregnant for 40 weeks. I want to give birth. It's selfish when you put like that, of course. It is. I admit it. But it's a selfishness we share with the 25-year-old and her husband who tossed the diaphram on their honeymoon in June and who just yesterday peed on a stick and saw a plus sign. And nobody is wagging their fingers at them.
My answer to my prospective bidder:
:) thanks for the question. Yes we have. And we are considering it. If we are unsuccessful we will definitely pursue it. But right now we truly want to have a biological child. It's such a personal thing... hard to explain here. We just have to give it every chance we can at this point. Of course, these days even adoption is expensive so we'd still need to raise money... Check our blog and our FB fan page. Hope you'll follow our journey.
I'm not really sure how I feel about that.
Still, I'm all in now. First auction is up and I already got my first bidder question.
Q: Have you thought about adoption? Lots of kids out there that need a family.
Totally valid question. Totally expected. Totally a punch in the gut.
When people suggest that you just quit and adopt it makes you feel both totally misunderstood and like you're the world's biggest jerk for ignoring all those needy sad-faced orphans.
But I ask you this... the last time you heard a newly wed couple in their 20's or early 30's say that they were going to "start trying for a baby" did you suggest that they forget it and just go straight for adoption because there are lots of orphans to be had? Of course you didn't. You probably said, "that's great! Congratulations, I look forward to hearing the news." Or something like that.
But couples dealing with infertility don't get that for the most part. They get the brush off all the time on this most natural of desires. It's like we're expected to quit at the first biological hurdle.
Truth is I've ALWAYS wanted to adopt. Even before I met my husband. I still do. We both want that. Whether we are successful at getting pregnant or not we will still pursue adoption at some point. Because, yes there are lots of kids in need of a family. But the heart is a strange thing. It doesn't quit until it's tried everything. Everything in its power to obtain its dream. I don't want to suggest that adoption is a consolation prize or that I couldn't love an adopted child as much as a biological one. Nothing could be further from the truth.
I think it's that... I want the miracle. I want the life to grow inside me. I want the oneness. I want to be pregnant for 40 weeks. I want to give birth. It's selfish when you put like that, of course. It is. I admit it. But it's a selfishness we share with the 25-year-old and her husband who tossed the diaphram on their honeymoon in June and who just yesterday peed on a stick and saw a plus sign. And nobody is wagging their fingers at them.
My answer to my prospective bidder:
:) thanks for the question. Yes we have. And we are considering it. If we are unsuccessful we will definitely pursue it. But right now we truly want to have a biological child. It's such a personal thing... hard to explain here. We just have to give it every chance we can at this point. Of course, these days even adoption is expensive so we'd still need to raise money... Check our blog and our FB fan page. Hope you'll follow our journey.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Technology
Well my attempts to RSS feed this blog onto the Fan Page have led to a bit of confusion for my Facebook friends.
No. We're not pregnant.
Not yet. We're working on it. But we got no money... no dinero... no moolah... no Benjamins...
well you get it. I'm starting to do a little fund raising with my eBay sales.
That's why I came up with these cool logos.
But it's more than that. This blog is here to chronicle our journey.
I admit. I feel. Awkward. I don't know how much of this you'll really want to know. But of course you don't actually have to read it I suppose. Still I hope you do. I want to show you the things you didn't see with your other friends who have gone through this... who perhaps are going through this silently. I don't want you to feel bad. Or even to feel sorry for us. But I do want to break up the awkwardness... and I do want your help.
No. We're not pregnant.
Not yet. We're working on it. But we got no money... no dinero... no moolah... no Benjamins...
well you get it. I'm starting to do a little fund raising with my eBay sales.
That's why I came up with these cool logos.
But it's more than that. This blog is here to chronicle our journey.
I admit. I feel. Awkward. I don't know how much of this you'll really want to know. But of course you don't actually have to read it I suppose. Still I hope you do. I want to show you the things you didn't see with your other friends who have gone through this... who perhaps are going through this silently. I don't want you to feel bad. Or even to feel sorry for us. But I do want to break up the awkwardness... and I do want your help.
Baby Money
Last night I took a bunch of pictures of things I'm going to sell on eBay. Clothes mostly. It's my eBay garage sale. All the money will go into our baby fund. We're going to invite friends and family to participate by doing their own sales on eBay and CraigsList.
My grandmother... sweet and amazing person that she is, gave us $200 during our visit which will go directly into the fund.
When you know you're going to need close to $30K it's a little daunting. But you've got to start somewhere.
I came up with a logo for The Godfadda Project as I'm calling it.
I found some cool fonts online and then added a little spermy guy in Photoshop, cause I'm clever like that.
I'm proud of myself for doing that much today. But I have to admit my spirits are a bit low. Work is stressing me out. I work long hours and I feel like I accomplish very little. I'm making this a short post because I really need to go spend some time with God. You know, God The Father, not the Godfadda.
Peace.
My grandmother... sweet and amazing person that she is, gave us $200 during our visit which will go directly into the fund.
When you know you're going to need close to $30K it's a little daunting. But you've got to start somewhere.
I came up with a logo for The Godfadda Project as I'm calling it.
I found some cool fonts online and then added a little spermy guy in Photoshop, cause I'm clever like that.
I'm proud of myself for doing that much today. But I have to admit my spirits are a bit low. Work is stressing me out. I work long hours and I feel like I accomplish very little. I'm making this a short post because I really need to go spend some time with God. You know, God The Father, not the Godfadda.
Peace.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Try, Try Again.
We've been trying to make "Orginal Baby Gibben" as I have secretly called him/her for 3 years. But I have a confession to make. So here it is. Besides the repeated rounds of "ovulation sex" that we've been engaging in for the last 3 years, we really haven't taken any extraordinary measures to make it happen.
Okay we did do 3 rounds of artificial insemination also known as Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI for those in the know) ... 3 ways of saying "we inject your man's swimmers into your uterus and then hope like hell one of them finds an egg." It's basically the equivalent of dropping a litter of puppies in the arctic and saying "okay, boys go find that Puppy Chow that we've hidden out there on one of those icebergs." Although they may have motivation, they've got no direction, the climate is totally inhospitable and they probably won't survive long enough to attain their goal.
In other words it's a crap shoot. Especially when you're both older. There are fewer puppies and the Puppy Chow tends to be a bit stale. But 3 strikes on the IUI wasn't why we chose to take ourselves out of the Fertility Clinic ball game.
The stress on our newly wedded relationship was taking it's toll. And to be honest, I was becoming obsessed. The incessant temperature taking, the peeing on a stick for days at a time, the monthly transformation into the "Ovulation Sex Nazi." And the frustration. The mutual frustration. And yes the silent blaming. Is it my fault? Is it his fault? I knew we should have had sex one extra time.
I noticed Michael would often start feeling sick when I was ovulating. We'd put off sex so he could feel better. But I thought that it was being mentally induced because of the pressure we were (read "I was") putting us through. So after the IUI, we declared a truce. We were going to keep trying but we were going to give it to God.
That was three years ago. And it will certainly appear at first glance that we are just snatching it back from God. But I don't think that is the case. Because the last 3 years something else has been happening. We both have been growing closer to God. We've learned to hear Him, to trust Him and to let Him have a say in our lives. We have not by any means arrived. But we are definitely in a different place.
For the last 6 months or so, as the dream of parenthood has started to seem more distant than ever. I have prayed that God would take this desire from us. And for myself I've come to the point that I am willing to accept it if in fact it turns out that we can't have biological children.
But when I pray all I ever hear in my heart is "write." I pray for an answer to our debts. And the answer is "write." Can it be that easy? Can I write my way to motherhood? To financial security? I don't know. But I can't ignore it any longer. And there is something else. Do what you can do, and God will do what you cannot. Unless I know I have tried EVERYTHING to become pregnant and give birth I will always wonder, what if. I am not against adoption. In fact, whether we have a biological child or not I do want to adopt.
It's just... maybe it's something deep in the human soul... something that calls us to create life as our Father in Heaven did. Created in His image we have something of His passion for creation ... we crave the miracle of being in on it with God. I don't know. I really don't know how to explain it. I just have to try... something... I can't sit on my hands anymore. I can't wish. I can't watch my chances slip away month after month. I can't.
I won't.
Okay we did do 3 rounds of artificial insemination also known as Intra Uterine Insemination (IUI for those in the know) ... 3 ways of saying "we inject your man's swimmers into your uterus and then hope like hell one of them finds an egg." It's basically the equivalent of dropping a litter of puppies in the arctic and saying "okay, boys go find that Puppy Chow that we've hidden out there on one of those icebergs." Although they may have motivation, they've got no direction, the climate is totally inhospitable and they probably won't survive long enough to attain their goal.
In other words it's a crap shoot. Especially when you're both older. There are fewer puppies and the Puppy Chow tends to be a bit stale. But 3 strikes on the IUI wasn't why we chose to take ourselves out of the Fertility Clinic ball game.
The stress on our newly wedded relationship was taking it's toll. And to be honest, I was becoming obsessed. The incessant temperature taking, the peeing on a stick for days at a time, the monthly transformation into the "Ovulation Sex Nazi." And the frustration. The mutual frustration. And yes the silent blaming. Is it my fault? Is it his fault? I knew we should have had sex one extra time.
I noticed Michael would often start feeling sick when I was ovulating. We'd put off sex so he could feel better. But I thought that it was being mentally induced because of the pressure we were (read "I was") putting us through. So after the IUI, we declared a truce. We were going to keep trying but we were going to give it to God.
That was three years ago. And it will certainly appear at first glance that we are just snatching it back from God. But I don't think that is the case. Because the last 3 years something else has been happening. We both have been growing closer to God. We've learned to hear Him, to trust Him and to let Him have a say in our lives. We have not by any means arrived. But we are definitely in a different place.
For the last 6 months or so, as the dream of parenthood has started to seem more distant than ever. I have prayed that God would take this desire from us. And for myself I've come to the point that I am willing to accept it if in fact it turns out that we can't have biological children.
But when I pray all I ever hear in my heart is "write." I pray for an answer to our debts. And the answer is "write." Can it be that easy? Can I write my way to motherhood? To financial security? I don't know. But I can't ignore it any longer. And there is something else. Do what you can do, and God will do what you cannot. Unless I know I have tried EVERYTHING to become pregnant and give birth I will always wonder, what if. I am not against adoption. In fact, whether we have a biological child or not I do want to adopt.
It's just... maybe it's something deep in the human soul... something that calls us to create life as our Father in Heaven did. Created in His image we have something of His passion for creation ... we crave the miracle of being in on it with God. I don't know. I really don't know how to explain it. I just have to try... something... I can't sit on my hands anymore. I can't wish. I can't watch my chances slip away month after month. I can't.
I won't.
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